My 9 Easy Rules For Flying

1. Just because your seat reclines doesn't mean you need to use it thereby decreasing the legroom of the 6 foot tall handsome fellow behind you from 6 inches to -6 inches.

2. Avoid sneering, scowling and yelling at screaming children - we've all been there... even you Mr. argyle sock wearing, massive umbrella toting pompous pensioner.

3. Yes, I know it sucks that most airlines have discontinued food service but please make yourself something other than egg-salad and tuna-fish sandwiches. Thank you.

4. When flying across the country (like, say, from Victoria to St. John's) the morning after you've made some yummy homemade bocconcini pizza, remember to eat the leftovers prior to about 11 a.m. otherwise it starts to smell a bit.

5. Avoid eye contact with the already-seated upper-crust folk as you pass by their executive class seats. No need to give them the satisfaction of gloating, they already have their complimentary newspaper.

6. Avoid eye contact with the lowly plebs if you happen to get upgraded to executive class. Try to act like its no big deal - eschew the complimentary newspaper.

7. Keep your shoes on (refer to the odoriferous references in rules 3 and 4).

8. Don't put all your weight on someone else's headrest as you, you weak bladdered inconsiderate window-seat occupier, scootch your way to the aisle. Might as well just pull an Oliver Stone! Yes, that's right, I have a celebrity based anecdote... we were flying to LA 10 years ago and sitting in front of us was a very grumpy Oliver Stone. Not only had he somehow not gotten first class seats for himself and his assistant (he did get to use the first class potty however), he was also reading some really horrible reviews of his just released "u-turn" movie. AND he actually had a flight attendant tell him "I'm your biggest fan". So, on one trip back from the can, Olly (I WAS sitting DIRECTLY behind him) puts his hand on his in-the-doghouse-for-not-getting-first-class-seats assistant's FOREHEAD to support his whole entire body weight. The kicker was that the assistant didn't blink - par for the course I suppose. Anyway, keep your body weight to yourself. Unless your a big time Hollywood director or someone super famous like Tommy Lee or something.

9. Talk to our buddy Chuck, amateur aviation enthusiast (like a trainspotter but with wings!), before you book your flights. He can tell you not only the number of bolts used on any particular aircraft but the number of bolts used on the little truck thingy that services that particular aircraft. I fail to make use of his knowledge and get myself stuck in the bulkhead's emergency seat - the one with all the big red pokey levers on the door that you're not really suppose to touch but you do anyway. Cause you're curious.